Insecurities
by refuse-to-sink-0923
Summary: What if Kensi was more insecure then she let on. What if her insecurities start to consume her. Trigger warning for eating disorder
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

P.O.V. Kensi

I stand in front of the mirror looking at my body from every angle, scrutinizing it. No matter what angle I look at I see fat. I see tree trunk legs and thunder thighs. I see a muffin top and love handles. I just disgust myself with the amount of fat on my body. It's funny how everyone sees me as self confident but then again, they don't know about my ritual of standing in front of the mirror and judging my body. I wish I could change my hideous body around and stop being disgusted with myself. Maybe I could lose a bit of weight and like my body better. Ya, that's exactly what I'm going to do. I walk over to my computer and I look up different diets to lose weight fast. One diet that looks like it will work is the ABC diet. I get out a note book and write the allotted calories for each day, then I head to me closet and dig out the scale from the back. While I'm on this diet I'm going to keep track of every calorie I eat/drink, burn off twice the amount of calories I ate, and weigh myself daily. If I plan to stick to this routine then I better figure out what my start weight is. I step on the scale and wait a few seconds for the numbers to stop moving. At 5 feet 9 inches I weigh 127 pounds. Seeing that on the scale makes me want to cry but I refuse to do that. I WILL lose this weight I tell myself. I quickly right down my goal weights for motivation then I head to my room to go on my elliptical. For 2 hours I work away on the elliptical despite how tired I am. Around midnight I finally collapse in bed with one thought in mind. I WILL BE SKINNY.

**A/N: Sorry, I know the chapter is short but I promise to try and make the rest a lot longer. Also, I don't support eating disorders and if anyone is struggling is struggling, then please feel free to message me on here. I am always here to listen if someone needs it.**


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

P.O.V Kensi

I wake up at 5 a.m. pumped and ready to lose weight. Today I'm allowed a maximum of 500 calories, therefore I have an apple (80 calories) and a low fat yogurt (30 calories) totaling up to 110 calories so far. I quickly throw on some running clothes and some running shoes and leave for my jog. I jog up my street, winding through other ones near by until I finally arrive at a trail along the beach. I jog for 2 hours, until I can barely stand up anymore. When I get home, I practically collapse at the door but force myself up to take a shower and change for work. After my shower I decide to pack something to take in for lunch so I can avoid buying junk food t a food truck. My lunch consists of carrots (30 calories), celery (0 calories), and blackberries (62 calories). After I have everything ready, I get in my car and drive to work. When I get to work I am greeted by Callen and Sam.

"Hi Kensi" says Callen.

"Hey Kens" greets Sam.

"Hi guys" I say in return.

Before we have a chance to say anything else, Deeks arrives carrying a large box of donuts. When I see the donuts my stomach instantly starts to growl, but I whisper to it to shut up.

"Hey Kens, I got your usual" says Deeks with his usual smile.

I use all my will power to say "Thanks Deeks but I'm not really hungry."

He gives me a confused look since I never turn down food, but I just ignore him and head to the gym. While in the gym, I decide to work off all my food related frustrations by taking it out on the punching bag. I stand there for 20 minutes minutes just hitting and kicking the bag until I feel better.

-Page Break-

The morning passes by quickly and before I know it, it's lunch time. When ii pull my lunch out, everyone looks at me like I'm an alien. Callen decides to speak first.

"What's with the food choice Kens."

"Ya, where are the Twinkies and chocolate bars?" asks Deeks.

"I just decided to eat more healthily and get into better shape" I lie convincingly.

"Who are you and what have you done with Kensi" says Deeks with a serious face.

That comment kind of hurt. Am I really such a pig that no one can believe that I can eat healthily? I guess I'll just have to prove to them that I can be skinny and eat less.

Sam interrupts my train of thought by saying "Oh shut up Deeks."He then turns to me and says "You are doing a very good thing for yourself by eating healthy; I'm proud of you."

"Thank you Sam"


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

P.O.V. Kensi

It has been a week since I started this diet and I have been sticking to less then 500 calories and exercising every available second. The past week I also had to deal with weird stares from Deeks and Callen, but it has all been worth is because I have gotten to my first goal weight of 120 pounds. I now excited and determined to make it to my second goal weight of 110 pounds. I get out of the shower and as I do that, I glance in the mirror for a second, and do a double take. Suddenly all the admiration for myself disappears. How could I weigh 120 pounds and look like THIS. What I see staring back at me in the mirror is a disgustingly fat glob who has fat hanging from every inch of her body. Suddenly, it doesn't matter that I have 20 minutes to get to work. I HAVE to workout and get this fat off of me. I head to my room and head directly for my elliptical. I put the resistance up to a level 5 and set the time for an hour. I know that this isn't the right thing to do; I have work to get to and am for too lethargic to spend an hour working out like this. In this moment though, nothing seems to matter other than getting this fat off my body. I replay this picture of my body in the mirror for the next hour as motivation to keep going. When I finally finish, I head right to the mirror and and stare at my body in it. I still only see fat. I decide that if I'm going to lose weight then I'm going to have to cut back on food even more. I end up cutting out lunch so I just rush right to the car. I decide that my excuse is going to be that my car died, so I park my car in the closest parking garage to work which is 2 miles from the building. I decide to walk there hoping that it will help contribute to my weight loss. By the time I get to work, I'm over an hour and a half late. As I head into work I channel my inner actor, ready for all their questions.

When Deeks sees me, he bolts up from his chair and walks towards me.

"Where have you been Kensi?" Deeks asks worried.

"Sorry, my car died on me so I had to take it to the shop." I lie smoothly.

"Why didn't you answer your phone"asks Callen who had walked up behind Deeks.

"I didn't notice my phone ring.

That actually wasn't a lie. I had been so caught up in my work out that I hadn't notice my phone ringing.

"How did you even get to work" asks Deeks suspiciously

"I walked. Now if your done playing 20 questions, I'd like to actually get some work done" I say walking towards my desk.

"Sorry Kensi, we where just worried something happened to you" says Sam.

"It's okay guys, I understand"

-Page Break-

By the time I catch up with my work, it's lunch time. When I don't pull anything out Deeks asks "Where's your food Kens?"

"I forgot it in my rush. I have to go pick my car up from the garage anyways, so I'll just grab something on the way back.

"Oh, okay" Says Deeks sounding convinced.

I decide to go for a jog so once I had walked a reasonable distance from the mission, I decide to start. I jog around the block for forty minutes, then head to my car, to drive back to the mission.

When I get back, I'm covered in sweat but I pass it off as it being too hot outside. Everyone seems to buy my story. Maybe finding a way to lose all this weight will be easier than I thought.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

P.O.V. Kensi

It has been 4 days since the incident with the mirror and I am now 114 pounds. I have started a new routine since I realized just how fat I was. I now wake up at 4 and eat something small (usually half an apple). After I eat, I workout for 3 hours (usually a mix of running and the elliptical). I then shower, and when I'm done I stand in front of the mirror trying to pinpoint where I need to lose the weight. After that I get ready for work. While at work I make sure to skip lunch by coming up with some excuse, then sneaking off to the gym to get 30 minutes of exercise in (usually push ups, sit ups, the punching bag). When I get home at 5 pm I have dinner (salad, no dressing), then weigh myself. If I have anymore energy before bed – which I usually don't – then I do sit ups.

Its 7 am and I've just finished my morning run and am going for my shower. While in the shower, I start to feel dizzy but just brush it to the side thinking I'm probably just tired from my run. By the end of my shower, the dizziness worsens and I start to see black spots in my vision. I stumble out of my shower on weak legs and grab my towel. As I'm wrapping the towel around me, my vision fills with more spots. I try to keep the spots from filling up my sight, but I don't have the strength. The ground rushes up to meet me and everything goes black.

P.O.V. Deeks

It's 8:40 am and Kensi has yet to show up. She is 40 minutes late and I'm starting to get worried. Kensi is rarely late.

"I'm starting to get worried. I think I'm going to head to her place and see whats going on" I say to Callen and Sam.

"I think that's a good idea. I'm starting to get worried too" says Sam.

The ride to Kensi's place seems to takes forever but in reality, it was only 20 minutes. When I get there, I see Kensi's car in the drive way and start to panic. I run to the front door, take out my spare key and burst through the front door. I start walking around the house calling out "Kensi, are you here?". When I walk pass the bathroom door, I notice light coming out the crack at the bottom.

"Kensi, are you okay?" I yell through the door.

Silence. I try the knob. It's locked

"Kensi!" I yell.

When I still don't get an answer, I decide to take matters into my own hands. I take a small step back and with all my strength, I kick the door in. What I see on the other side shocks me.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: I'd just like to tell everyone that I by now means think that Daniela Ruah is fat. I started this story to show that now matter how you look or how skinny you are, you can have insecurities and those insecurities can consume you no matter who you are. I chose Kensi because she is "bad ass Blye" and I wanted everyone to see that even "bad ass blye" has insecurities.**

Chapter 5

P.O.V. Deeks

What I saw on the other side of the door shocked me. I saw Kensi in a towel, crumpled on the floor passed out. That wasn't the part that shocked me though. Since Kensi was only in a towel, I could see just how skinny she had gotten, and the sight made me scared for her life. I could see her spin, collar bone, her thigh gap and I could also see every one of her ribs. She had become a skeleton. I suddenly snapped out of my train of thought remembering she needed my help.

"Kensi, wake up" I said shaking her.

I had to shake her and call out her name a few more times, but she eventually woke up.

"Mhhh, what happened" mumbled Kensi.

"I don't know. You didn't show up to work and we where worried so I came here to check on you. I found you in a towel, passed out on the floor."

She must have just remembered she was in a towel because as soon as I said that, she jumped up and pushed me out of the washroom.

"I'll be out in a minute, I just need to change" I heard her say through the door

P.O.V. Kensi

Oh my god. OH MY GOD. Deeks just saw me in just a towel. He's probably disgusted right now. Why wouldn't he be? I'm ginormous. I change quickly like I promised but I dreed going out there. What is Deeks going to say? I step out of the washroom and am meet by Deeks concerned stare. Why is he concerned? Am I so overweight that its a need for concern?

"Kensi, we really need to talk" He says sadly.

Great, so he is going to bring up my weight.

"About what" I ask nonchalantly.

"About why you collapsed and what I saw when you did."

"Listen, I'm sorry you had to see how fat I am. I"m just ashamed, and I feel bad you had to see how disgusting I am. Don't worry though, I'm taking care of it."

He gave me a confused look and said "I didn't see someone disgustingly fat Kensi. I saw someone who was scarily skinny with protruding bones."

I wish.

"You don't have to lie for me Deeks; I know I' m fat" I said sadly.

He gave a incredulous look and said "Kensi, you aren't fat and if you relly think you are, then you need help. Especially if your doing this to yourself on purpose. "

I gave a disbelieving laugh then said "Your crazy Deeks. I don't need help"

"Yes you do Kensi"  
Now I was starting to get angry.

With my jaw clenched I said "No I don't Deeks"

"Kensi, please let me help you" he said pleadingly.

"Get out Deeks" I said with venom in my voice.

"Kensi please, I don't want to see you do this to yourself."

"GO!" I yell

"Kens-' he started

"NOW!"

He gave me a pleading look but walked out the door.

I then collapsed on the couch in tears.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

P.O.V. Kensi

It has been 3 days since Deeks found me in my washroom and things have been really weird. The first day or two he kept giving me concerned and pleading looks. Now he keeps making comments like: "Your clothes have gotten really bag, have you lost weight?" and if I bring food but don't eat it then he says "Aren't you going to eat that". He knows the answer to those questions so why does he ask? Also, he brings in some of my favorite food in hopes that I will eat it. It's like he's trying to make me fat. It's a good thing I have self-restrain. Due to my good self-restrain I have now gotten to my second goal weight of 110 pounds.

Today at work, we are trying on suits or – in my case – dresses for undercover ops. It's kind of like a fitting so Hetty knows if she need to by or alter clothes for ops. My train of thought is interrupted by the guys walking out of their fitting rooms.

"Well don't you guys look handsome"

"Why thank you Kensi" says Deeks self-assuredly.

I roll my eyes.

Hetty comes up behind me, startling me by saying "It looks like you all still fit your suits. Ms. Blye, why don't you try on the dress I left inn your fitting room."

"Okay Hetty."

I go into the fitting room, and on the hook I see a red strapless dress that is form fitting and goes to just above mid thigh. I reluctantly slip into it and despite my weight loss I expect it to be too tight. What I don't expect is for the fabric to pool around my feet as soon as I let go. I pull the dress up and call out to Hetty

"Uh, Hetty. The dress is a little too big."  
"Come out and let me see dear" I hear Hetty say through the curtain.

I pull the curtain aside and step out. When I do, Hetty, Sam and Callen stare at me in shock. Deeks just stands there with a "I told you so" kind of look.

Hetty is the first to speak.

"Have you lost some weight dear?"

"A little. I've just been eating healthier, so I guess I ended up losing some weight"

Callen finally snaps out of his shock and says"That's more than just a little weight Kens. Ypu've probably dropped 1 or 2 dress sizes."

"I guess I lost a bit more than I thought"

"How did you not notice how much you lost" asks Deeks

"I don't know, it's not like I was weighing my self." I lie.

For good measures I add "I wasn't even trying to loss weight; I just wanted to get healthier."

I hear Deeks snort.

"Leave her alone Deeks." says Sam. He then turns to me and says "Just please don't lose anymore weigh Kens."

"Of course not" I say with my fingers crossed behind my back.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

P.O.V. Kensi

It's been 5 days since the fitting room incident and I haven't kept my promise. The first few days I only had one small meal, but the last two days I haven't had anything but water. I've noticed that lately my hair has been falling out in clumps and my lips are turning blue. I'm also exhausted all the time and I've been having fainting spells (thankfully not at work). None of this seems to faze me though, because I'm still losing weight. I have finally gotten to my ultimate goal weight of 105 pounds, but that seems to matter. Despite reaching this goal, I'm still unhappy and feel like I need to lose more weight.

I arrive at the mission at 8 pm to my team rushing around.

I turn to Deeks and ask "What's going on?"

"LAPD caught a break in a major drug case and they want us to do the bust. Better suit up partner" Then he speeds towards armory with me right on his heels.

We suit up quickly, grab our weapons, then head towards the car.

"Where's the raid" I ask as Deeks drives south.

"The drugs are being distributed from an abandoned church on 21st street."

After that, we sit in comfortable silence until we arrive at the church.

We go to the back of the truck and load all out guns and but everything in the proper pocket.

"Okay Callen and Sam; Kensi and me are ready. We'll take the front, you take the back" says Deeks speaking into the coms.

"Okay, proceed to the doors" I hear Sam say through the ear piece.

We jog to the door being careful to look at the near by roofs and alleys for guards.

We get to the door and Deeks counts down.

"One, two, three" Deeks and Sam kick down the door simultaneously, and in unison yell "NCIS."

Almost as soon as we get through the doorway, bullets start flying. Deeks and me duck behind a crate and pop up every few seconds to take a shot. After a few minutes, it becomes obvious that this isn't going to work.

"We need to lure them out" I say out of breath and dizzily.

"Okay, good idea. I played target practice last time though so it's your turn. Don't worry, I got your back. I wouldn't let anything happen to you."

"Okay, I'll run to the next line of crates and when they pop up, you shot them out."

"Okay, on the count of three. One, two, three, go go go."

I get off the ground and sprint to the crates as Deeks shots off rounds behind me. By the time I duck behind the next set of crates, Deeks has shot all the assailants. I try to get off the ground to meet Deeks by the bodies, but suddenly black spots appear in front of my eyes.

"Oh god, not now" I whisper to myself.

I try to ignore it and rise to m feet, but as soon as I stand all the way up, my vision goes black and my legs collapse beneath me.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

P.O.V. Deeks

I'm moving the guns away from the assailants on the floor when I hear a thump behind me. I turn around to see the horrifying sight of Kensi crumpled on the floor unconscious

"Kensi!" I yell running towards her.

Behind me I hear Sam and Callen running towards Kensi too.

"Agent down, agent down. We need an ambulance now" I hear Sam yell into the coms.

I start lightly shaking Kensi and calling her name hoping it will wake her up like last time, but it doesn't. I then lean down, listen to her breathing, and take her pulse. Her breathing is weak and her pulse is thready.

"Why would she collapse" Callen questions out loud.

"Because she's starving herself" I blurt out.

"What!" Callen and Sam shut in unison.

"Did you really believe her lies" I ask in disbelief.

"You did" says Callen. "Anyways, I just never believed Kensi would do something like this to herself."

"Your right; I did believe her lies until a week ago when I found out the truth. Before that, I never believed Kensi would do this either."

"Wait. You knew" yells Sam.

I sigh then say "Yeah, I fund her passed out in just a towel a week ago; she was a skeleton. She had protruding bones everywhere."

"Why didn't you tell us" asks Callen angrily.

"Because I care about her and don't want to believe that she's doing this to herself on purpose" I say practically in tears.

Before anything else can be said, the ambulance arrives. They load her on the stretcher and put her in the back of the ambulance. Before they can close the doors, I say "I'm riding with her"

"I'm sorry sir, but-" starts one of the paramedics before I interrupt.

"I'm her partner and I need to have her back through everything, including this."

The paramedic sighs, then says "Fine, get in the back with her."

I climb into the back and grab Kensi's hand.

As the ambulance drives towards the hospital, the paramedics hook Kensi up to a whole bunch off machines. When they hook up the heart monitor and take a look, they give each other worried looks and tap on the window telling the driver to drive faster. They then place a breathing mask over Kensi's face and adjust the oxygen.

"What's going on" I ask worriedly.

They give each other a look- as if deciding wither to tell me- then one says "Her heart beat is abnormal and her breathing is weak. It looks like she's going into respiratory distress and her heart could fail if we don't stabilize her soon."

At this point I don't bother holding back the tears; I just cry freely.

I hold Kensi's had tighter and say "Kensi, you gotta hold on for us okay. I can't lose you; I love you. Please, if you hold on I promise I will help you through this."

I feel I light squeeze of my hand- as if Kensi is trying to tell me she will hold on- and that reassures me for the rest of the ride to the hospital. I won't let anything happen to Kensi.


	9. author note

**A/N: Sorry but this is just an author note. I'm having trouble figuring out how to write the next scene so if anyone has any ideas on how it should go, please leave a comment.**

**-refuse-to-sink-0923**


	10. Chapter 9

**A/N: Thank you to everyone who gave me some ideas on what to write for this chapter. This chapter was inspired by densilover and Loveyourfiction. Also, I've decided this is going to be the last chapter, but I am planning to do a sequel involving Kensi's recovery.**

Chapter 9

P.O.V. Deeks

Sam, Callen, Hetty and me have been waiting in the waiting room of the ER and all I've been able to do is worry. I'm about to demand to speak with Kensi's doctor when he walks out the double doors towards us.

"Which one of you is Mr. Martin Deeks?"

"I am" I say standing up.

"You're listed as the emergency contact, so I can only tell you about her condition."

I'm in a moment of shock, wondering why she choose me and not Callen, Sam Or Hetty.

I quickly snap out of my shock and say "I want everyone to hear about Kensi's condition."

He sighs then says "Very well"

He then continues with "She's going to be okay but it was a close call. She passed out because her heart is starting to fail due to dehydration and malnutrition."

When he says that, I instantly start to feel panicked. He must see the look on my face because he says "Don't worry, it's in very early stages so as long as she starts eating properly, she should be okay. That's another thing; since she is underweight and showed signs of malnutrition, I called the on call psychiatrist to give her a psych evaluation."

"That won't be necessary. We have a department psychiatrist that we can fly in with in a few hours" says Hetty.

'"Okay, we can do that instead. I'll just have to call the psychiatrist and tell them what's going on. Before I go to do that, is there anything else that you would like to know"

"Can we go see her" I ask eagerly.

"She's still unconscious but yes. I'll take you to her now."

We walk down the hall to room 9 and I see a frail looking Kensi hooked up to IV's. I walk over and sit in a chair by her bed, then after a second I grab her hand in mine. We sit in silence for 10 minutes until Sam breaks it by saying "I think I'm going to head home. I'm only here to give her the "she better start eating again" talk anyways. She has you to keep he company when she wakes up anyways" he says looking at me.

"Yeah, I think I'm going to head out too. I'll come back tomorrow after you two talk when she wakes up" says Callen giving me a knowing look.

"I don't know wht you're talking about, but I'll see you tomorrow."

They both give me knowing smirks then leave me to be alone with Kensi.

I look around to make sure I'm alone, then I start talking to her.

"Why would you do this Kensi? You are beautiful inside and out and don't need to do this to be that way. You must have known this could have killed you Kensi, so why would you take the risk?"

"God!" I say sobbing. "You could have died. I could have lost you. I love you too much to lose you." At this point, my face is in my hands and I'm crying freely.

Suddenly, I feel a hand on my arm and hear Kensi say "It's okay, I'm still alive, I'll be oky. I promise I will try to get better for you."

I look her in the eyes and say "I'll help you every step of the way"

"Deeks?" asks Kensi also looking me in the eyes.

"Yeah?"

"I love you too." At that, I let out a huge goofy grin and lean in to kiss her. Our lips meet in a passionate kiss and I feel so alive .

We pull away and I say with pure love "You are beautiful"

Then we meet in the middle again for a kiss that takes my breath away.


	11. author note 2

**A/N: I started the sequel to this story and will hopefully post the first chapter sometime tomorrow. If anyone is interested in reading the sequel, it is called "Confident?".**


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